Boundaries for Parents

It is helpful to remember that when you are more secure in your own boundaries, you can be a safer container for your child’s big feelings.

As parents, we need to try to be a steadfast lighthouse in stormy seas, and stay grounded in our own sense of calm and safety, despite our child’s big feelings.  Boundaries help us to do that. 

You can care about your child’s feelings without carrying them.  

Here are some examples of what boundaries feel like:

·      It is not my job to fix others.

·      It is okay if others feel angry.

·      It is okay if others feel sad.

·      It is okay to say no.

·      I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others at all times. (Okay, except the baby’s needs and many of your child’s needs. But no one else’s, haha!)

·      It is my job to make me happy.

·      Nobody has to agree with me.

·      I have the right to my own feelings.

·      I am enough.

Doing your own emotional work in individual therapy can definitely help if you are struggling with boundaries so that you can model healthier boundaries for your child.

There are so many reasons that we may have developed codependent tendencies and most of those stem from our own childhood experiences. I find that it’s helpful to remember this definition of codependency: “The inability to tolerate the discomfort of others.” And truly parenting is inherently codependent, so I’m not sure if it’s even helpful to frame in this way.

But as parents, we are tasked with creating the space for our child’s deeply uncomfortable feelings so that they are less likely to become “stuck” as anxiety or aggression.

When we have healthier boundaries, we can make more space for our child’s feelings because we are less reactive to them.  We can say to our child, “It’s okay to feel sad,” without it making us feel sad or inadequate as parents. We can empathize with our child’s sadness and feel sad with them in a nurturing and compassionate way, without needing to take action to “fix” the sadness. We can just say, “I am here” calmly when our child is having a meltdown and know that their feelings will pass.

As always, the mantra of play therapy is:  All feelings are accepted, but not all behaviors. 

Feelings are just visitors.  We can let them come and go.

And at the end of the day, everyone is in charge of their own hula hoop! : )