How to Explain Any Situation To Your Child
I’ve been thinking a lot about how my role as a play therapist is that of a translator between children and their parents, between the world of the child that is still rooted in imaginary play and the world of the parent that is often, by necessity, focused more on cognitive realities and concerns. And safety! Sometimes it feels like a huge achievement at the end of the day just keeping your child alive!
When I was younger, I was obsessed with language. I still am. I’m constantly disappointed by my inability to capture my internal experience into words as precisely as I deeply desire to. But I recognize that communication is always a process in flux! Communicating with your child in a way that they can really hear is a skill. Just as with any foreign language, it may feel very uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier with practice.
And, here’s the crux, whoops… I forgot this critical part: Your child absolutely deserves to have the world explained to them in a way that they can understand. Imagine yourself being dropped off on an alien planet and expected to figure out how to fit in on your own. You would feel completely overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, and angry! Children constantly feel these feelings as they navigate the confusing world we’ve created… with all of our ridiculous customs (e.g., sitting down most of the day in elementary school?!).
If you even get the inkling to explain something to your child, go for it, because you are simply opening the door to connection. You can always come back to the conversation if you want to clarify something.
Here are some basic tips:
Simplify the language to make sure they understand the words you are using but don’t necessarily simplify the emotional content of the situation. Children’s ability to understand complex feelings is so often underestimated and using feeling words always helps them to feel more understood, and hence, calmer (i.e., “Name it to tame it.”).
If you are trying to ease a child’s anxiety in a situation where anxiety is not helpful, make it silly.
After the conversation, process your child’s reactions to having the conversation at all. Leave the door open to return to the conversation if they have any questions that they think of later. Just say, “How did it feel for you to talk about this?”
Okay, that can’t possibly apply to everything! But it can apply to a lot of situations.
For example… taking your child to go get a COVID test. You could just put your child in the car and have someone stick something up his nose without any explanation. That would create a ton of anxiety simply because they would feel completely powerless throughout the entire situation. However, instead, if you took the time to explain: “We’re going to go get your cold tested, and the test will tell us if you can go to school or have to stay at home and rest. And to test your cold, they have to get your boogers with a Q-Tip thingy up your nose!”
Then if you’re really trying to alleviate anxiety, make it silly! “And who knows… they may even eat your boogers?!" (and that’s not even a lie because who knows what lab techs do behind closed doors, hah!).
Then process their feelings about even telling them that, “How are you feeling now about what we’re going to go do?”
Then process their feelings afterwards, “How did that feel for you to go get your cold tested?”
Talking about feelings is how you ultimately feel mastery over them. Not all the time. Not in every moment. We mostly just need to live our lives in the present moment and feel our feelings. But if your child is struggling a lot with big feelings, talking about them is one way that you can give them more of a sense of mastery. As a parent, you can open the door to the ongoing, truly neverending conversation about your child’s internal experience. You’re their guide to the mixed-up alien world of feelings! And always remember that in the end, so much of our ability to connect with other people is rooted in our ability to communicate our own internal experience. And you can practice that with your child every single day.
The world is a scary place and children know that innately. As adults, we can do so much to help a child feel more in control and competent in the world!
Modify the language and complexity for any age… but honestly, I explain a lot of things to my baby, because it’s funny to me and it’s never too early to start!