Pandemic Concerns: Stranger Danger/Social Anxiety
Hi y’all!
I am posting this early. Please stay safe.
I have so many ideas for how to help your child transition back into socialization in a gentle way. However, I always need to remind you… your child is SO unique and YOU are the expert. You have an incredible, miraculous, innate connection with your child. That is something I didn’t fully recognize when I was seeing children in play therapy before I had my own children. This connection is also at the heart of why I have a passion for teaching parents play therapy skills.
Always think about how you can modify any of my tips to meet the unique needs of your own child.
I understand that a lot of parents have concerns that their child may have lasting social anxiety as a result of the pandemic. I wish I had more time to elaborate, but here is a very helpful article about how social anxiety develops:
Spence, S. H., & Rapee, R. M. (2016). The etiology of social anxiety disorder: An evidence-based model. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 86, 50-67.
What this article reminds us is that there is a complex interplay in the development of social anxiety disorder of environmental, biological, personality, and parenting vulnerabilities. We can only control the parenting factors, and that control is very difficult right now because our patience is being tested so much.
However, just remember, your acceptance of your child exactly as they are and your acknowledgment of their feelings is going to help ameliorate social anxiety SO MUCH in the long term. That is what the research shows.
In general, these are my tips for children beginning to socialize after the pandemic:
Baby steps. As parents, there is always a balance between encouragement and acceptance for our child, but especially for pandemic concerns, I want to encourage you to accept your child exactly as they are (hah… see what I did there, gotta find the humor in these dark times!).
Reflecting feelings. So many mixed feelings. Use the word “and” not “but” when you reflect two seemingly-conflicting feelings. Even a young child has the capacity for understanding conflicting, mixed-up feelings. Use more simple feeling words for younger children though.
Narrating the obvious. Talking about the social experience after it happens and narrating exactly what happened in an understanding and kind way will help your child to integrate the experience in a helpful way (even if they cried or had a negative experience at the time). Just say what happened. Example: “We hung out with Sam in his backyard, and at first you played with his cars, and then you did X… and then you came to check-in with me and give me a hug. You were crying because you felt overwhelmed, but then you did X…” Just narrate as many details as you remember, including some feeling words.
Do special play times where you remain child-centered and child-led (as often as you can). This will ALWAYS be SO helpful.
Fund (or support those who would fund) more school counselors. My school counselor friends believe we will need twice as many school counselors MINIMUM. If you are reading this, you are in touch with your child’s emotional needs, but there are sadly many parents who are not. My primary experience as a play therapist is seeing children referred from child services for child abuse. We need to make sure those children don’t fall through the cracks. That is the value of school counselors towards keeping together our entire social fabric.
Hang in there. Solidarity (heart emoji).